Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for you are my praise.
I grow silent, knowing that the Lord is going to be in my midst. Today once again I want to hold your hand Lord and go to that stage when I am still being Knit in my mother's womb. I walk with his Staff and Rod holding it aloft to clear the darkness of my mind. I walk knowing without turning around that the Spirit of the Lord envelops me. I walk in the purity of his light and Love...... I walk towards my experience in my womb...... I walk to see me sitting inside the sacred place of my creation- My mother's womb. I walk in the guidance of his presence knowing that I am going to set myself free from all that was unknowingly transferred to me by my mother.
My mother was probably not prepared to have a child......... or she felt very sick after conceiving me..... or she may have had fears about her pregnancy........ or the doctors said she was going to have a high risk pregnancy/ complications......... or she may have already had my brother/sister and wanted a boy/girl........
She may have had many fears since this was her first pregnancy.... or she may have miscarried/aborted earlier...... or the doctors may have said its going to be a difficult pregnancy....and suggested termination of the pregnancy..... or she may have attempted to abort me...... or she was anxious constantly about how she was going to taking care of me....... maybe my father lost his job....... or was into gambling.......and my mother had to work to bear the financial burden of the house.........Maybe my father was working long shifts and my mother was alone at home........ Maybe there was a death in the family.....and my mother was numb with shock......Maybe there were constant fights between my parents....and my mother wanted to end her life.......Maybe my father was abusive (physical, emotional, verbal).....and had violent outbursts of anger... or he was very dominating....... or was chasing drugs/ alcohol....... Maybe there was not much food for my mother to eat...... or she was not given food......... or she felt like eating very spicy food............ Maybe she was not strong physically to carry me full term and needed bed rest and constant medical attention........ All of these emotions of fears, worries, concerns, frustrations, anguish......... were felt by me even though I was still very very small.......
I take all these feelings of fear, worry.... anxiety....which were hidden deep inside of me and seek the face of my lord as I sing .......................
My mother was probably not prepared to have a child......... or she felt very sick after conceiving me..... or she may have had fears about her pregnancy........ or the doctors said she was going to have a high risk pregnancy/ complications......... or she may have already had my brother/sister and wanted a boy/girl........
She may have had many fears since this was her first pregnancy.... or she may have miscarried/aborted earlier...... or the doctors may have said its going to be a difficult pregnancy....and suggested termination of the pregnancy..... or she may have attempted to abort me...... or she was anxious constantly about how she was going to taking care of me....... maybe my father lost his job....... or was into gambling.......and my mother had to work to bear the financial burden of the house.........Maybe my father was working long shifts and my mother was alone at home........ Maybe there was a death in the family.....and my mother was numb with shock......Maybe there were constant fights between my parents....and my mother wanted to end her life.......Maybe my father was abusive (physical, emotional, verbal).....and had violent outbursts of anger... or he was very dominating....... or was chasing drugs/ alcohol....... Maybe there was not much food for my mother to eat...... or she was not given food......... or she felt like eating very spicy food............ Maybe she was not strong physically to carry me full term and needed bed rest and constant medical attention........ All of these emotions of fears, worries, concerns, frustrations, anguish......... were felt by me even though I was still very very small.......
I take all these feelings of fear, worry.... anxiety....which were hidden deep inside of me and seek the face of my lord as I sing .......................
You indeed Lord are my Hiding place........ I hide my face in your open arms........ I breathe in your fragrance and your light floods my inner most being.......... every cell is being renewed........... all memories of pain are being released........... as they surface one after the other....... I no longer feel the need to get involved to relive the sadness........... the pull of attachment to the pain......
Every single time I feel distracted .......or sucked into the vortex of pain...... or the memory again, I let the Lord fill me up with his light ..........and the intensity of his love........ that pours out from his compassionate eyes increases my longing to be forgiving and as compassionate as he is........
I once again run into the open arms of My Lord on the cross......... and thank and praise him for being with me even though I couldnt ever see him...... I let the fountain of Mercy and Compassion fall on me....... I let myself soak in his Loving Kindness......... I remain drenched in his peace..............
Every single time I feel distracted .......or sucked into the vortex of pain...... or the memory again, I let the Lord fill me up with his light ..........and the intensity of his love........ that pours out from his compassionate eyes increases my longing to be forgiving and as compassionate as he is........
I once again run into the open arms of My Lord on the cross......... and thank and praise him for being with me even though I couldnt ever see him...... I let the fountain of Mercy and Compassion fall on me....... I let myself soak in his Loving Kindness......... I remain drenched in his peace..............
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